Dodge This

Nat King Cole:

Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that’s how you’ll stay
That’s why, darling, it’s incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

KISS:

I was made for loving you baby
You were made for loving me
And I can’t get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me

arctic monkey *in an extremely timid voice*:

hi


 

Michelle Williams in Manchester by the Sea:

My heart was broken…

arctic monkey *doing an uncanny impression of Michelle Williams*:

My heart was broken.


 

Can I have some morphine?

No.

But doc! you don’t understand. The pain, it’s off the charts.

I haven’t even started.

That’s beside the point. Empathy doc, you can’t be a good doc without it.

How many days did it take for you to get this appointment again?

I know it’s terribly impractical but can I at least listen to the soundtrack of La La Land while you drill around inside my mouth? Will you be able to work around the earphones?

If I let you, will you able to stay still and not do things like tap your feet to the music?

Have a heart, doc. That’s just not possible.

Then I’m sorry, son. You’re going to have to take it like a man.

Please tell Ryan Gosling I loved him.


 

The day after:

What’s that black thing around your teeth?

Oh that, a cowboy lassoed my molars. He asked if there were any parts of me that needed to be tamed and I replied my molars. He said he wasn’t a dentist and I said let’s just pretend it’s the wild west and call it frontier treatment, if you will.


 

Describing internet to people who have no idea what it is.

Imagine you are carrying a bowl of piping hot soup. You intend to carry it your sick* mother’s bed-side. At that moment, there’s a knock on the door. You drop the bowl of piping hot soup you’re holding, forget all about the sick mother, and go to the door. At the door is a salesman, he’s selling religion. You lock the door behind you and head out to church. On the way over, you see a jet streak by in the sky. You unfurl your wings and fly after the jet. The jet is too fast for you, you give up and land in an empty field. You’re now lost. Back home, your mother doesn’t know what’s taking you so long.

*Sick as in nothing serious, mind you. Just a bout of the seasonal flu.


 

I was feeling all sad and lonely standing outside a movie theater with tickets in hand waiting for a friend to arrive. “What is it that takes them so long? Why can’t they be on time? If I can be on time, why can’t they?” Then I remembered Ryan Gosling being in the exact same scenario at a Rebel Without a Cause screening, and I didn’t feel so bad anymore.


 

I noticed a Camille Rowe poster at the front of a shop and I hung out with the poster until the friend arrived. I said things to the poster I wouldn’t be comfortable writing about in my diary. “Forgive me Camille Rowe, for I have sinned.” “Same time, next week?”


 

When I went back the next week, and the friend was customarily late again, I walked towards the shop but the poster was nowhere to be seen. I ran into the shop and demanded the store manager be brought to me. I said I needed him alive. The store manager, oddly completely at ease with my frenzied being, let me know the poster had opened up its own therapy practice. I said how could that be? You need certification for that! The manager shrugged his shoulders and showed me towards the exit. I caught up with the friend who had by now arrived and we went to watch a movie called Boss Baby. I was so heartbroken over Camille I could barely concentrate on the movie. *Imitating Michelle Williams* “My heart was broken.” I made a mental note to watch the movie again when I’m in a more stable state of mind.


 

“It’s alright to be nice to people, to deceive them into thinking you’re a pleasant person.” Me to myself. “Stop being so harsh on yourself, stop being honest.”

1730 A tall woman fetchingly dressed in black is making her evening rounds. I am up here looking down at her and she’s down there walking her evening walk completely oblivious to my prying eyes. Know what would be the biggest joke? If I said I thought about going down and introducing myself to her.

2330 A girl whom I barely know called me “dear” and I got excited enough to take a screenshot.

0915 I’m sitting on the loo cleaning up my photo gallery. I can justify pics of models saying I’m a fan but these screenshots have got to go. There’s simply no explaining them. Gotta delete them all!


 

If a woman can’t pull off short hair, she isn’t pretty. Discuss. (10 marks)

 

 

A Day in the Life of

Last night I took a break from watching La La Land and headed to Hacksaw Ridge instead. The turnout was spectacular. It was a full house on a weekday. That got us thinking. Friend wondered if it could have anything to do with faith. I liked that thought. I liked it so much I pursued it further. Could it be that they were running commercials for the movie exclusively and extensively on the Christian channels? I hadn’t come across much of a publicity push anywhere else that would explain the turnout. Could it be that a local celebrity preacher name-dropped the movie in one of his sermons? Or could it be that he handed out the tickets himself? Teach a man to fish and he won’t starve for the rest of his life. Direct your congregation to a Mel Gibson film and you don’t need to worry about your sheep going astray.

The movie itself was a mixed bag. The war scenes had me turning towards my friend at least twice with a “did you see that?” expression on my face. A Star Wars or a Marvel movie couldn’t make me do that. Shame on those for disneyfying violence. When you disneyfy violence, you sanitize and degrade it. There’s a way and a need to degrade violence, but that’s by exposing its brutality- not by making the victims faceless and the fights bloodless. Just because you make a lot of money doesn’t mean you’re right, Disney.

From one empire to another. We need to talk about the similarities between the assassination of the Russian ambassador in Turkey and Pizzagate. Democrats like to make fun of Trump’s supporters for their gullibility and existence in a post-truth society. The way Democrats look at the Republicans must be the way Chomsky looks at them all. Chomsky views the stories published by NY times the way Hillary supporters look at the fake news stories planted by the alt-right on facebook. The more enlightened you are, the more is your ability to spot fake news apparently. Unfortunately, not many people have the free time or the inclination to reach a level of enlightenment where they begin to question the stories put out by outlets like NY Times. One such person with no time or inclination was the assassin of the Russian ambassador. Poor guy believed all the blame for the devastation in Aleppo could be laid squarely at the door of Russia. Did he know that Assad had offered a way to end the conflict even before it had become all encompassing? Did he know that US and its middle east allies wouldn’t come to the table unless Assad stepped down? Does he know how the American, or for that matter any other country’s, scales tip when the time comes to choose between geopolitical equations and saving human lives? Got to appreciate the cold hearted ruthlessness of the empires, even if they go around in cloaks boasting the values of freedom and democracy and human rights. If you only knew the number of autocratic regimes the US has propped up over the years. We need to support this murderous dictator because we need him in our fight against communism, we need him in our fight against terrorism, we need to depose this leader because he poses a threat to his own people… The problem with badmouthing and calling out the hypocrisy of the empire is people react to it in only one of two ways, and both of them amount to dismissal. Either they go:  We know all of this, tell us something we don’t know; or Okay (I don’t see how any of this concerns me).

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At this point, I could go on and end up like that Charlie Day meme or rehabilitate my image by talking about Blade Runner and Ryan Gosling. The prospect of Roger Deakins and Dennis Villeneuve getting back together to frame Ryan Gosling should be enough to make you forget the crushing despair of having to spend your whole life being manipulated and misinformed- and thank Jesus Christ, it is. What is real and what is reel, when the real is a construct of lies and the reel at least tries its utmost to stay true to itself?

Writing out of ennui, writing out of turn

I lost all shape last night. I wasn’t moving my feet. I was a WTA player on the cusp of a personal milestone. I was playing to the strength of my opponent. I became their puppet and they my puppeteer. I wouldn’t step back and take a deep breath and gain perspective. I wouldn’t recollect. I was too caught up in the moment, a deer in the headlights, a nerd in the same room as their crush. I possibly put myself in the way of bodily harm too, and in the pursuit of what? I lost sight of the big picture, missed the forest for the trees; I was in the throes of a goddamn disease.

[JUMP]

Mother wakes me up at 1130. I know this because checking her claim against the time on the phone is the first thing I do. “Oh good, it’s only 7 hrs until England v Wales,” I mentally establish. A pleasant thought to start off the day. She says something about lunch and heading out but having just woken up and busy with thoughts about England v Wales, I pay no attention. I never said I was a role-model.

When I finally get off the bed, it’s 6 and 1/2 hours to kickoff. By the time I finish brushing and listening to select tracks from Kanye’s Life of Pablo, it’s  6 hours… you get the drift.

[JUMP]

We met on G-chat. Well, me met in real life first but we didn’t really open up to each other until we hit the G-chat. And by opening up I mean, I sent her links to my favorite songs and she sent me links to her favorite songs. I preferred my songs to hers but I knew enough to say nothing more than 🙂 I was more eloquent and less dependent on emojis when holding forth on other matters and judging by the number of haha’s I received, funny too. That or she was distracted and was merely being nice. After a while me moved on to Whatsapp and this was more convenient. I could now chat with her while simultaneously watching and feverishly tweeting about sports. Then one day, she asked if I had an account on Snapchat. I said I didn’t and she sent me a sad face. I didn’t know it then but that was how the cookie crumbled. I couldn’t stay up with her and she left me behind. The perils of seeing a sixteen year old. The only place where I see her these days is on Instagram. When people ask me what I’m doing on Instagram, I say I’m only there to comment ‘Lord’ on Bendtner’s photographs, nothing more. When they persist and ask why is my account locked and why do I not let them follow me, I politely change the subject saying it isn’t worth it.

[JUMP]

A friend I knew and an online acquaintance I’ve never met walk into a bar. They both order the bartender to send me a message each on FB messenger. I notice their messages as soon as they’re sent. It’s now been a week.

[JUMP]

I lost all shape last night. (I was laying prone on the couch). I wasn’t moving my feet. (They were resting on the armrest of the couch). I possibly put myself in the way of bodily harm. (Left eye prone to dryness on continued extended exposure to electronic screens).

If I were the protagonist’s best friend, I’d be the one with the theories

Question: When do women find a man attractive?

Wrong Answers: When he’s kind, when he’s funny, when he’s smart, when he’s good looking, when he’s athletic, when he has a towering intellect, when he’s tall, when he pays attention, when he pays for travel, when he knows his way around tools- both kinds, when he knows how to dance, when he’s confident, when he’s humble, when he’s self-made, when he has an endowment fund, when he has a great set of teeth, when he’s popular, when he’s lonely at the top, when the boss loves him, when he does what he wants and is his own boss, when he cooks, when he’s so involved he forgets to eat, when he fights for the rights of the downtrodden, when he’s close to his mum.

Right Answer: When he’s with another woman.

————————-

Question: When do men find a woman attractive?

Wrong answer: “When she’s a lesbian?”

Right Answer: When she’s asleep, when she’s awake, when she’s brushing her teeth, when she’s team morning breath, when she’s groggy and miserable from lack of sleep, when she’s refreshed and raring to go after a good night’s sleep, when she swears by makeup, when she scoffs at makeup, when she’s gotten a fleek new hairstyle, when she’s got no hairstyle, when she likes kids, when she hates kids, when she’s smoking a cigarette, when she’s disgusted by a person smoking a cigarette, when she’s a doctor, when she’s a lawyer, when she’s a painter, when she’s an engineer, when she’s down for everything, when she’s down for nothing, when she curses like a sailor, when she blushes at a cuss word, when she’s the life of the party, when she can’t wait to leave the party, when she’s all loose on the dancefloor, when she’s uptight and thinks all who dance are sluts (her words), when she’s an outdoor person who likes to run, when she’d rather stay in and watch a rerun, when she likes Woody Allen, when she doesn’t mind Adolf Hitler, when she’s lost some weight, when she’s gained some weight, when she likes to read, when she doesn’t understand why people read, when she’s the one with the brain, when she doesn’t like to think because “it causes wrinkles”, when she knows how to play an instrument, when the only thing she plays is one guy against another, when she’s a mother, when she’s a daughter, when she’s a blonde, when she’s a brunette, when she has a pair of arms and a pair of legs.

So don’t sweat it ladies. What you are is enough. Down with the brands, and down with their ads.

——————-

Question: Is this post pro- or anti- women?

Stretch McKenzie

An actress, I won’t say which, was lounging by the side of the pool. We were rumored to share the same birthday, this actress and I, but sharing a birthday isn’t quite the same as sharing a bed, as we all know, and those rumors devoid of any substance to begin with turned out to be pretty unfounded on top of that. Turns out we weren’t even born on the same day, this actress and I. I might as well have claimed we shared a bed that one time, although we most definitely didn’t.

I couldn’t see the actress from where I was, and I was perfectly fine with that. You know me, I am perfectly fine with everything, apart from that one thing with the Proteas and maybe that other thing with some other thing. Seeing an actress isn’t quite the same as sleeping with an actress, if you know what I mean, although in some cases it does… mean the same thing. Anyway, this actress lounging by the side of the pool had a bright idea.

Her idea was so bright you couldn’t miss the glare for 3 miles. I was caught up in it. I tried to hide in the refrigerator but it was full. (A full refrigerator, one of the perks of staying at home.) The actress had apparently figured she could get some reading done while the shots were being set up. She sent word for some reading material. Shooting can be quite the tedious process, you see. (Even more tedious than reading? It depends.) It involves a fair share of waiting. In the average time it takes to set up a shot, Ashwin and Jadeja would have run through the opposition’s top order, reached the end zone, celebrated the touchdown and lifted the Superbowl.

I could’ve sent her my iPad but I wasn’t sure if I would want to get another in the event of this one falling into the pool. So I sent her some communist reading material instead. They were sent back with urgency. A week later, she was abducted by Maoists. I won’t say I had anything to do with that. Saying so would mean I had something to do with that, when I most certainly didn’t. I don’t know what their motives were. I didn’t follow the story. I had more important things to do- like hiding in refrigerators whenever someone in the vicinity had a bright idea.

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If I sing No Dames in a room full of women will they know enough to be offended?

White boys be like close that front door, you’re going to let in the cold; black boys be like close that front door, you’re going to let in the flies.

Getting up is a struggle. Some use coffee to get over it, I rely on twitter, and Oscar Isaac recommends a humanoid: “She wakes you right up, doesn’t she?.”

It was the night of the Iowa caucus and the morning of the day after. Bernie was giving Hillary a run for her money over there and it was also a day for polling over here.  I was more familiar with the names and promises of the candidates in the other country’s elections than those of my own locality’s. For that reason, I felt justified enough to not exercise my right to vote.

A decision that incidentally is much frowned upon these days. By afternoon, I put the spin on it and was going around saying, more to myself than (to?) anyone else, that my not voting was a form of protest. It was a protest against the lack of power of the municipalities, it was a protest for meaningful decentralization of power. It’s not apathy, it’s concern. It’s not irresponsibility, it’s sending a message. (When teens exhibit reckless behavior in movies, doesn’t the movie psychiatrist always interpret it as teens sending a message?) The low voter turnout was going to be a message, not that we didn’t care about democracy but that the elections you are holding are a sham. I almost wrote a letter to the newspaper editor, to help them see the real reason behind the low turnout.

x—-x—-x—-x

There must be something you want to do, something you love, something you’ve imagined yourself doing, something you’ve dreamt of. Don’t judge its viability and measure its possibility. Don’t dismiss it as a castle in the sky. Tell me, tell me your innermost desire. Let go of the fear of being judged, don’t be so afraid of being vulnerable. I’m not here to judge, I’m only here to help you. I’ve heard you say you are not interested in any of the conventional paths. I’m assuming you think they’re small time ambitions. That’s fine, having big dreams is good. I’ve always believed that if your dreams don’t scare you, then you’re not aiming high enough. So tell me, tell me about your aim.

My aim, as you put it professor, is to make people feel so insecure in my presence that they start reeling off their achievements for no rhyme or reason. I want them fabricating  experiences. I want them stretching the truth. I want them shining turds. I want them yearning for my praise and I want them seeking my validation. I want it so everyone wants to impress me.

Are you saying you wish to be an MBA school?

Hush professor, you’ve said your piece. Now let me say mine. I want people to wonder why they were being so obsequious to me once I’ve moved on, I want them to not understand their overpowering need to impress me. I want them feeling like I’m their all-powerful boss, even though I’m not. The feeling I want to invoke is purer, something straight from Colombia.

But why?!

Because that’s power! Some people gain access to it on the back of their Benjamins and some get it through their vocation but I want it just for being.

Wait, are you saying you don’t want to earn power but BE power? Does that even make sense?

I’ve already warned you once, professor. Do not interrupt me while I’m speaking. Stop being so much in love with your own voice. I can see you were very shy and quiet as a kid but now’s not the time or the place to play catch up. I beseech you, for your own safety. Keep your trap shut. Now give me a nod so that I may continue.

The professor nods.

We leave the room.

x—-x—-x—-x

Let me tell you the story of how a woman with a great ass made two guys act social towards each other. Well, there’s nothing more to say actually- that’s pretty much it.

Me and the opposite sex

Adam: Did you know that Hyenas roam the streets of Addis Ababa the way dogs roam our impoverished neighborhoods? Can you imagine being in a situation where you are walking down a street of your city at night and a pack of rabid Hyenas goes screaming past you?

Eve: Hmm, I am never going to that place.

Adam: You should really make time to listen to BBC’s From Our Own Correspondents podcast. It’s amazing.

Eve: My boyfriend sucks. I asked him for a new handbag, and he said he couldn’t. Could you get me a new handbag? We could go shopping together! 😉

=================================

A: Hey, wassup?

E: Just looking at some of the photos from the Ukraine protests. They’re so beautiful.

A: I didn’t know you were into geopolitics. Am a big fan of geopolitics.

E: Oh, a friend sent me the link.

A: The Western media likes to make a big fuss to further the geo-strategic cause of their nations. Like in the Syrian crisis, the number of displaced is 2.5 mn. It sounds like a lot but when you compare to the 100mn Chinese who were displaced as a result of the Japanese invasion during the WWII, it doesn’t seem like a lot, does it?

E: 🙂

A: I am not saying I am more perceptive than the Western media but sometimes I get the feeling that I am more wedded to truth and neutrality than they are.

E: Hmm

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E: What are you doing up so late? :O

A: Waiting for the game to start. These daylight savings are ruining my beauty sleep, I must say.

E: Daylight what? Can’t you find anything more worthwhile than staying up to watch soccer?

A: Like chatting with a boyfriend? 😛

E: You don’t know how to talk to a lady. Take some tips from your little brother.

A: And it’s not soccer, it’s FOOTBALL!

E: Whatever.

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A: Hey there, want to go see a movie this week? You might not like it but it’s going to be really good.

E: Who’s in it?

A: That’s immaterial. Fincher directed it.

E: Fincher?

A: Yeah, Fight Club.

E: Yuck! I’d rather go see Our Faults in the Stars.

A: Seriously? That movie’s got an 8% rating on the tomatometer.

E: I don’t care what this tomamameter is. I just loved the book.

A: Are you kidding me? That book’s downright terrible.

E: Snob.

A: Oh lord, When will these masses learn to respect their entertainment and come to appreciate true quality?

E: It’s just entertainment dude. Chill the fuck down.

A: I take it you are the type of person who texts during a movie?

E: Yeah, I have to let my friends know about how boring the Fincher movie is.

A: You are a piece of trash, you know that?

E: Bye darling. You are not worthy of my time.

======================

E: Aww, I just got gifted this cute new puppy for my birthday.

A: Happy Birthday!

E: You didn’t wish me since morning?!

A: That’s right. I don’t get this celebrating birthdays fad.

E: How’s being miserable coming along?

A: It’s so darn wonderful. You should try it sometime.

E: I am really enjoying this conversation.

A: The person who gifted you that puppy, all they want is for you to feel miserable 12 years down the line. Think of it as a down payment.

E: I am going to go bang my head against a wall. Brb.

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//The names Adam and Eve are a nod to the movie Only Lovers Left Alive starring Tom Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton.

//The reason for this post is this.