Dodge This

Nat King Cole:

Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that’s how you’ll stay
That’s why, darling, it’s incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

KISS:

I was made for loving you baby
You were made for loving me
And I can’t get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me

arctic monkey *in an extremely timid voice*:

hi


 

Michelle Williams in Manchester by the Sea:

My heart was broken…

arctic monkey *doing an uncanny impression of Michelle Williams*:

My heart was broken.


 

Can I have some morphine?

No.

But doc! you don’t understand. The pain, it’s off the charts.

I haven’t even started.

That’s beside the point. Empathy doc, you can’t be a good doc without it.

How many days did it take for you to get this appointment again?

I know it’s terribly impractical but can I at least listen to the soundtrack of La La Land while you drill around inside my mouth? Will you be able to work around the earphones?

If I let you, will you able to stay still and not do things like tap your feet to the music?

Have a heart, doc. That’s just not possible.

Then I’m sorry, son. You’re going to have to take it like a man.

Please tell Ryan Gosling I loved him.


 

The day after:

What’s that black thing around your teeth?

Oh that, a cowboy lassoed my molars. He asked if there were any parts of me that needed to be tamed and I replied my molars. He said he wasn’t a dentist and I said let’s just pretend it’s the wild west and call it frontier treatment, if you will.


 

Describing internet to people who have no idea what it is.

Imagine you are carrying a bowl of piping hot soup. You intend to carry it your sick* mother’s bed-side. At that moment, there’s a knock on the door. You drop the bowl of piping hot soup you’re holding, forget all about the sick mother, and go to the door. At the door is a salesman, he’s selling religion. You lock the door behind you and head out to church. On the way over, you see a jet streak by in the sky. You unfurl your wings and fly after the jet. The jet is too fast for you, you give up and land in an empty field. You’re now lost. Back home, your mother doesn’t know what’s taking you so long.

*Sick as in nothing serious, mind you. Just a bout of the seasonal flu.


 

I was feeling all sad and lonely standing outside a movie theater with tickets in hand waiting for a friend to arrive. “What is it that takes them so long? Why can’t they be on time? If I can be on time, why can’t they?” Then I remembered Ryan Gosling being in the exact same scenario at a Rebel Without a Cause screening, and I didn’t feel so bad anymore.


 

I noticed a Camille Rowe poster at the front of a shop and I hung out with the poster until the friend arrived. I said things to the poster I wouldn’t be comfortable writing about in my diary. “Forgive me Camille Rowe, for I have sinned.” “Same time, next week?”


 

When I went back the next week, and the friend was customarily late again, I walked towards the shop but the poster was nowhere to be seen. I ran into the shop and demanded the store manager be brought to me. I said I needed him alive. The store manager, oddly completely at ease with my frenzied being, let me know the poster had opened up its own therapy practice. I said how could that be? You need certification for that! The manager shrugged his shoulders and showed me towards the exit. I caught up with the friend who had by now arrived and we went to watch a movie called Boss Baby. I was so heartbroken over Camille I could barely concentrate on the movie. *Imitating Michelle Williams* “My heart was broken.” I made a mental note to watch the movie again when I’m in a more stable state of mind.


 

“It’s alright to be nice to people, to deceive them into thinking you’re a pleasant person.” Me to myself. “Stop being so harsh on yourself, stop being honest.”

1730 A tall woman fetchingly dressed in black is making her evening rounds. I am up here looking down at her and she’s down there walking her evening walk completely oblivious to my prying eyes. Know what would be the biggest joke? If I said I thought about going down and introducing myself to her.

2330 A girl whom I barely know called me “dear” and I got excited enough to take a screenshot.

0915 I’m sitting on the loo cleaning up my photo gallery. I can justify pics of models saying I’m a fan but these screenshots have got to go. There’s simply no explaining them. Gotta delete them all!


 

If a woman can’t pull off short hair, she isn’t pretty. Discuss. (10 marks)

 

 

Renaissance Man

You know how they ask in interviews what your drawbacks are and how you, faking embarrassment, say something which is a positive attribute for the rest of the world but is supposedly an unforgivable blot in your uncompromising view of yourself. So far, in my life, I’ve sat for 1 job interview and even on that one occasion, I was guilty of doing what you all do. My fault, I claimed, was the inability to muster anger. The interviewer isn’t stupid, he’s well acquainted with bull shit. He’s game enough to play along. That’s his job, taking bullshit for answers with a straight face. Anyway, he puts on a smile and says what you expect him to, “but that isn’t a drawback!”, and you faking further embarrassment go on to “clarify”, like in my case I was saying how that might affect my ability to demand accountability. But hey, that’s how it is, if they wanted honest answers, they would’ve called bullshit, and we would have cut the crap, and the websites wouldn’t have existed.

So, where I am going with this is I have a bad personality trait to disclose. It’s not something damning obviously, it is, at best, something that is devised to evoke admiration, rather than sympathy. Yes, that’s how messed up it is. Even your drawbacks have to be something that people stand back and admire. What’s your weakness? Being a perfectionist, not knowing when to stop working, inability to stop myself from going beyond the call of duty, loving my work so much that my bosses feel threatened. That, by the way, is why I was fired from my previous job.

My weakness happens to be the desire to do everything. And by ‘doing’, I don’t mean producing but consuming. What’s more, I consider myself to be a renaissance man. I want to read all the interesting books ever written, be they fiction or non-fiction, poetry that I understand or don’t understand. The field isn’t a barrier, I am as intrigued by politics and statistical models as by psychology and clinical trials. I just want to consume, consume, consume. I want to watch every TV show that is worth watching, and I don’t want to push through them in one single continuous session either, as I want to stay with the characters for longer. I want to watch every movie that stars likable stars and every indie movie with an interesting premise, I want to watch foreign films in between to fight off the monotone of a heroic triumph and a happy American ending, I discover a new director or an actor and I want to watch their complete filmography. I discover music and soundtracks and I further want to discover what is on top of the pop charts. I want to try out all the cool obscure indie bands and adopt a few as my own. I want to spend entire weekends watching sports, and why not do it on weekdays too. I want to get a job which pays me to watch sports and even then, I hope they don’t tie me down with one sport. I love cricket as much as I do football, and I love Formula One as much as I do tennis. I want to stay up late nights for Champions league football, and wake up early for American basketball*. I want to chuckle at every joke written or tweeted and feel smart by watching the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.

I want to be well-acquainted with the front-runners of an awards season, pick my favorites and jump along or cry outrage at the final outcome. I want to listen to every album that picks up a Grammy and read every book that comes up on a shortlist. I want to analyse every scorecard and every box office report, and tell the form of a player and the time of the year. Alas, I can’t do it all and can only compile a yearly list of my favorite movies. Over and above all this, I aspire to be a career diplomat, shuttle between countries, and live out of a suitcase. For this, I am recommended 10 hours of daily reading to keep myself abreast of all the happenings on every page of every newspaper, develop my own opinions and a deep rooted appreciation for the country’s cultural values and strategic interests.   There in lies the dichotomy and there of emerges my weakness. Too many eclectic tastes, when I can’t afford and a day of 24 hours, which isn’t nearly enough.

A wise man once said, “When things aren’t adding up in your life, start subtracting.” Excuse me while I decide which part of myself to kill.

*I don’t really watch basketball.

 

Baumol Effect

Hey man, what’s up nowadays?

Nothing much.You know, just sitting on my arse all day and spending the parents’ money when I get off it.

Cool.

It ain’t cool man. Look at you with your own money and living on your own and going out and meeting people and partying every weekend.

Hey Rajiv! how are you?

Nice meeting you (spoken hurriedly while looking at a receding back).

——X—-X—-

Hey Idiot, doing anything these days?

No man, same old.

That’s sad, why don’t you do something?

You see man, IIIT has left me facing a dead-end. The alley that leads up to this dead-end is a very narrow one and the car I’m driving is very large. So it’s only natural that it takes time for me to reverse and join the freeway and you know, get back to doing stuff.

Why don’t you write for a newspaper?

——-x——–x———

Hey dude! what are you going to do now?

Prepare for Civils, go to Delhi perhaps.

Aren’t there any other exams?

There are.

Why go to a college like IIIT and do engineering then?

Don’t know.

—-x——x——-

It’s been 3 months since college ended and almost all my batch-mates have moved on. During this time, I have never once felt envious of those enrolled for further studies, be it how esteemed their institute may be. There have, however, been days when I felt I’d have been better off working and earning money and spending money.

Those days however were before I came to know about unemployment benefits in the USA. 1200$ or Rs. 55,000 per month is what they come up to. That’s almost higher than what is considered a good salary for us beginners over here. An employed (below-par) American, meanwhile, earns in a week what an (above-par) Indian earns in a month. For all I know, the Indian works twice as hard, braving temperatures twice as high and traffic twice as worse, while not getting any action (if you know what I mean).

Of course, you will be jumping up and down to point out the difference in the costs of living, and of course, it is true that with 55,000 rupees you can live quite handsomely, whereas be only marginally better than a vagrant with 1200$. But what’s also true is that electronic goods cost the same there and here. What this essentially means is, an American can buy the same appliances with a week’s salary what an Indian can with a months’ salary. Right now, I need money for goods, all the services I desire are provided for. So, why will I ever take up a corporate job in India?

Baumol effect: The idea that services become relatively more expensive as economies develop, and that manufactured goods become relatively less expensive. (borrowed from the dictionary of economics)

Those comic strips you come across featuring beggars with iPads while having no money for food, aren’t that far-fetched afterall. At least, not as ludicrous as my whims 😛

Blowing cold

I write this post wondering whether I burned my tongue or the roof my mouth. The culprit was by the way, not a hot lady (raunchy thoughts, huh), it was just some really hot food. The taste was anything but hot, but then what can one expect in a canteen of a research institute. If anything, my performance in the gone-by exams was as tasteless as the aforementioned food.

I know that you don’t give a damn about my screwed up grades, so why should I ? (wish it was really that easy). Anyway, I would like to elaborate a bit on my quite dumb exploits during the course of the exams. First of all, gone are the days when classes were the only ones I attended for attendance, these days it seems that I even attend exams just for the sake of attendance. The only thing which I seem to get right in the examination hall is my signature on the attendance sheet.

This may feel funny but it damn sure ain’t funny. So what do I do during the whole exam?, I just keep pondering over how I managed to get myself into such a hopeless situation in the first place. Maybe this place ain’t for me, maybe I am so irresponsible,  maybe I should work hard the next time, or maybe I should just stop this non-sensical chain of maybe’s.

Whatever I do or don’t (do), this blog will keep getting updated as long as I continue to stay in this non-hot college of mine. I am actually quite amazed that terrorists haven’t struck during the past week when festivities reached a feverish high state.

Prediction:-

Australia to beat India in Bangalore.

Pardon me

Over the past three days (during which i haven’t written a post) , i have been receiving a lot of hate mail (one to be precise and it was not even a mail) addressing me to get on with my job which according to some, happens to be writing posts. It may sound funny people, but my existence ain’t limited to the blogosphere.

You may be surprised to hear this, but i do live an ordinary life  (outside IIIT of course) during which i check into a rehab center every week-end.  This center happens to be my home where i am counselled every week-end regarding the importance  of  CGPA and some other trivial stuff which i don’t even bother to re-collect. The moral of the story is that don’t expect me to write a post on week-ends which kinda implies that i have time for blogs only in the campus.

Changing track,the convocation addresses by the dignataries were way below par for i cannot even recall a single innovative phrase used by the aforementioned. Speaking of innovative statements, let me share with you one from the movie “Departed” which goes something like ” If you work hard, then you will rise as fast as a 12 year old’s dick “. There is no need to feel offended as sex education is going to become a part of our school curriculum and such phrases may well become the spicy ingredients of our school pledge.

Speaking of graduation, i sort of graduated from a nokia 6030 to a 6300 which happens to have a really cool display screen alongside a 2 mega pixel camera . Too bad that the camera screams every time i take a picture. It would have been much better if it made no sound and in the process warn the prey.

Iraq have won the Asian cup (hurray!) for the first time ever in their history and Saddam Hussain deserves some praise for not interfering with the game (may be inaccurate). It would be something of a miracle if every squad member manages to hold on to his life till next year, considering the efficiency of the US peace keepers.

On a more selfish front, why don’t i have a testimonial ? If i don’t deserve it, then you can at least write one praising or criticizing my blogging skills.

Playing to the Gallery

I thought of not posting a post today lest it may become some kind of a stereotype but then who am i to decide what i do !!

I was literally forced to write another one mainly to extinguish the raging doubts in my readers’ minds regarding the authenticity of my posts. The literary expressions may be a bit exaggerated but they stick faithfully to my experiences and feelings. If you are wondering what this crap is all about, then please refer to the title.

The thing is that, right now i am confident that you will read any crap that i post (not that i will) and i am just making the full use of my blogging acumen much like the Arctic Monkeys who released an album titled ” Who The Fuck are Arctic Monkeys ” just to cash in on their new found popularity following the release of their ground breaking debut album. Unfortunately their over-zealous marketing skills were critized by their counter-parts. But the good thing about that was ,their fans responded in an enthusiastic manner (hope you got it  🙂 )

I guess that this blog has been the only one so far which has been faithful to it’s title.

Coldplay and crowded buses

The first thing i decided to do today was to tame the wild nature of my moustache which had encroached into the ” no-hair ” zone.  Unfortunately, symmetry deserted me at a crucial stage and i ended up with a moustache which looked as if  Hitler and Chaplin were on one side and Mangal Pandey and Veerapan on the other. I guess the tug of war between these stalwarts will last well into the week-end [:)].

These blogs of mine have so far run on my beginner’s enthusiasm but since i am no longer a beginner, it is kinda up to you readers, to keep me going. Anyway, let me introduce my Probability professor who believes that one should torture themselves in order to gain pleasure (typical of a psycho don’t you think). He also sounds a bit like spidey’s uncle the exception being that, he says ” with greater pressure comes greater responsibility”.

Enroute to  secretariat from my college, i had the privelage of listening to Coldplay while negotiating the various pit falls associated with an over crowded bus . It atleast helped me in removing the frown off my face. On the return journey, i was unfortunate to be bestowed with the honour of travelling with a drunkard who kept reiterating to one of his wives (no wonder he was drunk) that he wasn’t biased towards either of them, and the songs which he was singing were a far cry from those of Coldplay. I got so intoxicated by his presence that i gleefully got down much before my destination and made my way back walking in the company of Arctic Monkeys.

Do you remember those days, when we would flock around the enclosure of the hippo waiting for it to yawn and we were the ones yawning after a while ???

Well, we at IIIT Hyd are extremely proud to present to you, the most distinguished profs who have toiled away all these years to find a flawless solution to this problem. They have experimented on us so many times that even a dead man would yawn in the confines of his coffin in their presence.

For more information on our profs do check out our web-page which prides itself in the research being done here.