That’s “kills”, not Kallis. An understandable mistake when you come to read my blog. Oh, just the greatest all-rounder of all time. For a die-hard South African tragic, I didn’t exactly take to him until he was at the end of his career. It’s like what they say, you don’t really know what you have until you no longer have it. I keep complaining about my “lifeless” hair but we all know I’ll be on my knees begging for its forgiveness within the next decade or two. I’m pushing my luck when I say two decades but hope for the best, eh?
People acting all concerned about me, let me tell you something. I don’t need your concern, I didn’t ask for it. It doesn’t even fit me. You should have asked me for my size before you bought it. Now what are you going to do with it? I know for a fact that store has a strict 24 hr return policy and the clock says it’s well beyond that. We’re going to have Superman turn the Earth back on its axis like he does in that movie to save his girlfriend, for you to be able to return this item of purchase. We’re going to need a bigger boat. We’re going to need a miracle. Mamma Mia!
First you doubted me, then you inspired me. You said you were concerned about me not knowing how to swim and that you were worried it was going to be too late pretty soon for me to be able to do something about it. You said there’s no shame in starting small. You suggested I get a couple of those floaters that kids use and learn to swim in the shallow end of a community swimming pool. Well, let me tell you something. I’ve seen a lot of people swim, I mean a LOT and I know everything about it. I’ve read every book ever written about swimming. When you see me swim, you’re not going to believe people can swim like that. I’m telling you, I’m built for it. I’m a natural. You don’t need to teach a baby turtle how to swim, or act all concerned if it’s going to make it. It’s a fucking turtle, of course it’s going to make it. I am likewise, I’m a born swimmer. I am going to swim much better than David Schwimmer. Teachers have long been praising my attributes. I have limbs as big as flippers, they kept remarking through out my childhood. That’s a trait I share with Michael Phelps no less. You’d know that if you took a break from worrying about others and read a book every once in a while. Do you even read, bro?
I’m a big league player, a king size bed, a trenta sized cup, they don’t come bigger than me. You might be thinking if I’m all that, then why haven’t I ever stepped into a pool? Well, let me tell you. It was only because I couldn’t decide which stroke to use. You know how it is. Once you choose a stroke, you gotta stick to it. You just can’t jump from one stroke to another. It’s a lot of pressure. What if I choose the wrong one? I’ll never be able to play that down .
Be that as it may, it’s time to go boom. I’m going to listen to my homie Marcus Aurelius. “Life is about action, not contemplation.” This is the moment of truth brought to you by Mountain Dew, kyunki darr ke aage jeet hain. This is when Mr. Anderson turns into Neo. This is when Carrie Ann Moss’ beautiful jaw hits the floor. This is when I’m going to jump from a motherfucking helicopter into the motherfucking ocean. Screw your pools and lakes, your ponds and streams, your rivers and reservoirs. If I’m going to get my beak wet, it’s gotta be the motherfucking ocean. Valhalla!
Some of his friends truly did believe he was going to survive the jump, and wriggle back to life to the tune of Moby’s Extreme Ways. Yeah, that didn’t happen. In his mind’s eye, he was going to swoop like an eagle and glide like a shark- but this is life, there are no shortcuts here. We ran out of them way back when. Nowadays, it’s like Jake Gyllenhaal says, “If you want to win the lottery, you got to make the money to buy the ticket.” Peace.