An Idiot Abroad (fictional)

You know how introverts believe they’re better ‘writers’ than ‘speakers’? Well, that sentiment leads up to a funny thing. Is it the case that what they put on paper is better than what they construct in their minds before putting it on paper? Whoa, that should mean that  an inspired introvert will turn out masterpieces each time a good thought comes in his head (assuming he’s smart enough to feel inspired only by good ideas).

I always imagined myself to be an introvert but if that happens to be the litmus test for being an introvert, count me extrovert. Trust me, the things I write they sound much better while I am sitting on the pot. Pulling the string further, the days on which you feel content with what you’ve written and smug about how you’ve brought it out into the world, are they the ones you spend being an introvert?

For instance, take this sequence I constructed while sitting on the pot earlier today. Had I been an introvert, this would turn out to be much better than I believed it was, and you wouldn’t think reading this as a waste of your time.

“I am in USA. A white girl comes up and proposes to me. She’s of a legal age. Don’t worry, this isn’t some Lolita fantasy. I ask her, out of fear for my well-being, how would me being an Indian go down with her parents, siblings, brothers, dog, ex-boy friends, the guy across the street who has a crush, and should I feel threatened for my safety if any of them comes to know about her proposal. The caution I exhibit is of merit, mind you, because she’s a red-neck, hails from the mid-west,  with family that’s religious to a fault, and Republican to my dismay. The fact that she comes from a family that’s both religious and red is a double whammy. First, there’s the case of the guns being readily available at hand, thanks to the 2nd amendment (nay, god’s decree). Then, there’s the bigotry and the STD. Her parents oppose gay marriage, not just because they’re so disenfranchised by the institution to such an extent that they wouldn’t want to force it upon someone else. It’s because they believe that sanctioning gay-marriage would mean going against god’s will and that would unleash his wrath upon “our dearly beloved nation”. Cursed is the state that legalizes gay marriage, and there’s no God as scorned as one whose marriage laws have been fiddled with. Their words. And there’s more where those came from. Like, “No dam should impede god’s waters, and no contraption should impede man’s semen.”

Coming back to her, she does seem nothing like her yeehaw gun-wielding parents and cousins back home. She’s been to college and, as Republicans like to beat their chests and testify, has been consequently impregnated by the liberal agenda. What’s more, you might even classify her as a “catch” (why else would the guy across the street have a crush on her?). Anyway, here’s what she said in reply to my question about the difficulties that might arise out of me being an Indian- “Nah, that ain’t a problem. You’ll become an American as soon as we get married.” *Mind blown*

This has been a part of my new series where I imagine myself in a foreign country, a girl comes up and proposes, and I take the opportunity to go on and describe the prevailing climate and values of the country. The next episode will see me in Syria.”

So, what do you think? Introvert or extrovert?

$This post is dedicated to Karl Pilkington.


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