You know how newspaper reporters manage to get interviews with culprits (like that with the Dantewada massacre head honcho) even when law enforcers are clueless about their identity, let alone location. Well, as it turns out even I can do something similar. Recently, I had an opportunity to interview the person responsible for the low-intensity Bengaluru IPL blasts and here are a few excerpts.
me: Hey dude, how’s it going?
him: (scratches his nose)
me: Why do you hate IPL? Are you by any chance a fan of Punjab or Kolkata?
him: No. When I’m paid to do something, I do it. I can be pretty cold if required.
me: So all this heat doesn’t bother you huh?
him: (scratches his chin)
me: Who paid you, my dear treadstone assassin?
me: No surprise there, did he say why he wanted you to do it?
him: Yeah, he wanted the semis moved out of Bengaluru. It’s all a big conspiracy
me: Are you saying this isn’t the first time you’ve been asked to do something like this?
him: Who do you think is responsible for robbing Hyderabadis of their cricket?
me: Are you saying all those telangana agitations were all about this?
him: Of course, not. The “decision” to move the matches out of Hyderabad was taken only after the local match taking place at the Uppal stadium was halted, we did that. Even after that, Lalit wouldn’t have had his way if not for the whole-hearted support extended by the DC owners in this regard.
me: What!? DC owners wanted the matches moved out of Hyderabad?
him: Yeah, the crowd turnout was barely 50% on the best of days over here. Just look at the crowd turnout at their “home” games now. [To the police: notice the subtle hint regarding his location]
me: True that. So where do you expect to see yourself 5 years from now?
him: I don’t even get a proper journalist? I get a career guidance counsellor? WTF! I’m calling your editor and calling off this whole thing.
me: Come on dude, don’t do that. I will give you an EPL jersey if you keep your trap shut.
him: As long as it’s a Liverpool jersey
me: Perfect. So, why does Lalit hate the south so much? We southies* are as consistent as the English in the Champions League.
him: It’s got something to do with him being mistaken for a southie over and over again during his drug selling days at Yale university. Like a typical northie, he considered southies to be inferior and he felt offended.
me: Not sure about that, but is Lalit now happy with all the action shifted to Mumbai?
him: Kinda. All that he cares about these days is getting the Kochi team scrapped.
me: That’s it. We’re done. Not sure if I should turn this in though, doesn’t sound good.