Arctic monkey

If I were the protagonist’s best friend, I’d be the one with the theories

Question: When do women find a man attractive?

Wrong Answers: When he’s kind, when he’s funny, when he’s smart, when he’s good looking, when he’s athletic, when he has a towering intellect, when he’s tall, when he pays attention, when he pays for travel, when he knows his way around tools- both kinds, when he knows how to dance, when he’s confident, when he’s humble, when he’s self-made, when he has an endowment fund, when he has a great set of teeth, when he’s popular, when he’s lonely at the top, when the boss loves him, when he does what he wants and is his own boss, when he cooks, when he’s so involved he forgets to eat, when he fights for the rights of the downtrodden, when he’s close to his mum.

Right Answer: When he’s with another woman.


Question: When do men find a woman attractive?

Wrong answer: “When she’s a lesbian?”

Right Answer: When she’s asleep, when she’s awake, when she’s brushing her teeth, when she’s team morning breath, when she’s groggy and miserable from lack of sleep, when she’s refreshed and raring to go after a good night’s sleep, when she swears by makeup, when she scoffs at makeup, when she’s gotten a fleek new hairstyle, when she’s got no hairstyle, when she likes kids, when she hates kids, when she’s smoking a cigarette, when she’s disgusted by a person smoking a cigarette, when she’s a doctor, when she’s a lawyer, when she’s a painter, when she’s an engineer, when she’s down for everything, when she’s down for nothing, when she curses like a sailor, when she blushes at a cuss word, when she’s the life of the party, when she can’t wait to leave the party, when she’s all loose on the dancefloor, when she’s uptight and thinks all who dance are sluts (her words), when she’s an outdoor person who likes to run, when she’d rather stay in and watch a rerun, when she likes Woody Allen, when she doesn’t mind Adolf Hitler, when she’s lost some weight, when she’s gained some weight, when she likes to read, when she doesn’t understand why people read, when she’s the one with the brain, when she doesn’t like to think because “it causes wrinkles”, when she knows how to play an instrument, when the only thing she plays is one guy against another, when she’s a mother, when she’s a daughter, when she’s a blonde, when she’s a brunette, when she has a pair of arms and a pair of legs.

So don’t sweat it ladies. What you are is enough. Down with the brands, and down with their ads.


Question: Is this post pro- or anti- women?

Rabbit Hole

(Before John Oliver had a take on the wall, I too had a take on the wall- but I couldn’t see why I should have a take on the wall. So even if I had a take on the wall, I confined it to the drafts folder- until today, when I saw John Oliver’s take on the wall and figured mine wasn’t that bad either. Some of the references have become a bit out-dated and slipped from our collective minds in the two weeks that have passed since the time of writing but I’m sure my one reader won’t mind.)

Tell me why you are opposed to Trump’s idea of building a wall. What Trump aims to achieve by building a wall (stopping illegal migration, drug trafficking) is something most of us want too. Hillary Clinton makes fun of the wall but her policies will set out to achieve the same end of curbing illegal migration and drug flows. They better, because that’s what being a commander-in-chief means – drawing out policies to secure the borders.

The only reason then that remains to make fun of the wall is its ineffectiveness. If you argue that the wall won’t be able to stem the flow of illegal migrants and drugs, then I’m with you. But why are you against the wall? Is it because of its ineffectiveness or is it because of what it will symbolize? Of what it might suggest? (That those on the other side are barbarians). Is it because you believe that in civilized societies physical walls have been replaced by the much more tacit system of visa approvals and hence, there’s no need to be blunt and go back to walls?

Is lack of tact the major issue you have with Trump’s proposal? Or do you believe there’s no place for borders at all? Surely, you believe in borders. Surely, you believe in regulation of people that come into your country.

Trump’s supporters on the other hand take solace from the physical manifestation (effective or not) of the mobility restrictions that are anyway in place. They feel more secure with subtlety out of the frame. They truly believe the Mexicans are barbarians- and that is worrying, and building a wall will only strengthen and act as a vindication of their narrow mindedness- which is even more worrying but is that the reason you’re opposed to the wall? That walls act as a placard for xenophobia?

Bear in mind that trade and legal migration numbers will theoretically continue to be the same, wall or no wall. In the event of the wall, the Mexicans might get offended and decide to lodge a protest by cutting a token amount of the trade, which anyway can’t amount to much since they’re highly dependent on exports to America. So why all this fuss over a wall? Is it only due to fiscal prudence?

Tell me why you’re opposed to the wall. Is it because

a) It’s going to be an image problem and there are just as effective and subtler alternatives. Or

b) A wall won’t make the border any more secure. Or

c) You don’t believe in borders, and by extension, nation-states. Or

d) You don’t want to play into the hands of xenophobes. Or

e) It’s a waste of money. Or

f) Some other reason.


What’s wrong with the wall?

Now that we’ve established that the outrage over the wall is nothing more than outrage over a few billion dollars, a few billion dollars that Hillary will anyway forfeit to her Wall Street backers in the form of tax loopholes, let’s move on.

Let’s move on to the nitpicking of quotes used by Donald Trump.

One of the quotes he was made fun of for using was a “Gandhi quote”. Trump, like millions of Indians, unknowingly misattributed a quote to Gandhi, and if not for Trump millions of Indians would’ve continued to misattribute that quote to Gandhi. But for some reason, the whole incident was brazenly exploited to portray Trump as an idiot. Which he is, but not for this.

There was also the time when he was attacked for quoting Mussolini. Quoting Mussolini sounds insidious but when you look at the quote, it’s something Abe Lincoln might have said. It’s something a school teacher might have picked as the quote of the day. Well, the PT teacher perhaps. Anyway, why the circus? It’s like the media have decided there’s a readily available market for anti-Trump rhetoric out there and it needs to be tapped, incessantly.

At this juncture, I am thinking I might as well translate Kendrick’s These Walls into French and put it up here but I won’t. I’ll put up the possibly NSFW music video instead.



When I run out of stories, I turn to economics

What do we want? Jobs.

Why do we want? Huh?

What do we want? Higher social spending.

Why do we want? Without providing access to health and education, we can never become a superpower. And what better way to combat and shield against the disease of poverty.

What do we want? More capital spending.

Why do we want? A village connected is a village able to provide. We need roads and electricity, schools and cooking gas. We need to decongest the existing roads and improve the public transportation. We need to remove supply-chain bottlenecks and provide faster internet, reduce the cost of transport and improve the competitiveness of our manufacturing.

What do we want? Lower overall spending.

Why do we want? To lessen the fiscal deficit which will help attract investments from overseas, even if they are of the speculative kind. Discrimination is uncool, bro.

What do we want? Wider tax base.

Why do we want? A government needs revenue to function. We have one of the lowest tax-to-GDP ratio going around. We are a 6 pointer, we can’t go to grad school with that record. We need to keep our head down and do some additional courses, probably at a night school, probably run into a girl there- but no, we need to focus. We need to remember why we are here. We are here to improve our country’s tax collections, goddammit. A government under Trump with a higher tax revenue will be able to provide better services than a government with no revenue under Abraham Lincoln. That’s just how it is. A government needs revenue to fulfill its duties. Know why Western governments provide better services than ours? Because they are able to mobilize taxes! You think their politicians are any better? Maybe their institutions are partly better owing to greater decentralization, but I digress.

What do we want? Women empowerment.

Why do we want? Will lead to higher labor force participation. Good for the country, good for the household. Cheaper to provide paid maternity leave than not have them working at all.

What do we want? A new tax structure.

Why do we want? To get GST out of the news. I’ve had it with all this talk about GST. Just implement it already.

What do we want? More movies from David Fincher.

Why do we want? They’re good.

What do we want? Less editorial oversight.

Why do we want? Wacky is good, wacky is food for the soul, wacky is Leonardo di Caprio sticking his tongue out in the rain. Wacky is the joy of being alive and being able to do whatever- as long as it’s not retrospective taxation. Nothing turns off investors more than unpredictable policy. We need predictable policies and an efficient judicial system that is able to settle conflicts in a reasonable amount of time.

What do we want? A strong IPR regime.

Why do we want? Because the US government wants it To encourage innovation, to protect the risk-takers, the movers and the shakers.

What do we want? Better corporate governance.

Why do we want? We’re under the impression that companies wouldn’t have run up the present levels of bad debt had they been run better. Our country is in severe need of capital, the last thing we need is funds getting tied up in non-performing assets.

What’s hurting the banks today, will hurt us tomorrow. A healthy banking system is as important to a country’s (financial) security as soldiers are on the borders. Capping bonuses will only keep the best and the brightest away from this sector of national importance. We hereby introduce a petition demanding the withdrawal of any and all proposals seeking to cap executive bonuses. (what’s that? wrong forum? that meeting is in the next room?)

What do we want? A green economy.

Why do we want? If we continue as we are, mankind will perish by 2100. I’m only kidding but I wish I wasn’t because maybe at least then we’d be moved to take some sort of action. A green economy, in addition to saving our race, will also make our societies more equal. It is in many ways the silver bullet we can reliably rely upon to vanquish many of our national and global problems at one go.

What do we want? No more ill-conceived laws.

Why do we want? Because they’re inadvertently preventing many of our firms from growing/ joining the mainstream. Firms are hesitant to take the next step if it means losing out on exemptions they received as small industries. Similarly, many of these laws are hindering the growth of the formal sector. We need to stop punishing and start rewarding those who open up their books for scrutiny. Amen.

What do we want? More posts.

Why do we want? Not government posts, the last thing we need is revenue deficit. We’re talking about blog posts. We can’t seem to get enough.

Stretch McKenzie

An actress, I won’t say which, was lounging by the side of the pool. We were rumored to share the same birthday, this actress and I, but sharing a birthday isn’t quite the same as sharing a bed, as we all know, and those rumors devoid of any substance to begin with turned out to be pretty unfounded on top of that. Turns out we weren’t even born on the same day, this actress and I. I might as well have claimed we shared a bed that one time, although we most definitely didn’t.

I couldn’t see the actress from where I was, and I was perfectly fine with that. You know me, I am perfectly fine with everything, apart from that one thing with the Proteas and maybe that other thing with some other thing. Seeing an actress isn’t quite the same as sleeping with an actress, if you know what I mean, although in some cases it does… mean the same thing. Anyway, this actress lounging by the side of the pool had a bright idea.

Her idea was so bright you couldn’t miss the glare for 3 miles. I was caught up in it. I tried to hide in the refrigerator but it was full. (A full refrigerator, one of the perks of staying at home.) The actress had apparently figured she could get some reading done while the shots were being set up. She sent word for some reading material. Shooting can be quite the tedious process, you see. (Even more tedious than reading? It depends.) It involves a fair share of waiting. In the average time it takes to set up a shot, Ashwin and Jadeja would have run through the opposition’s top order, reached the end zone, celebrated the touchdown and lifted the Superbowl.

I could’ve sent her my iPad but I wasn’t sure if I would want to get another in the event of this one falling into the pool. So I sent her some communist reading material instead. They were sent back with urgency. A week later, she was abducted by Maoists. I won’t say I had anything to do with that. Saying so would mean I had something to do with that, when I most certainly didn’t. I don’t know what their motives were. I didn’t follow the story. I had more important things to do- like hiding in refrigerators whenever someone in the vicinity had a bright idea.




If I sing No Dames in a room full of women will they know enough to be offended?

White boys be like close that front door, you’re going to let in the cold; black boys be like close that front door, you’re going to let in the flies.

Getting up is a struggle. Some use coffee to get over it, I rely on twitter, and Oscar Isaac recommends a humanoid: “She wakes you right up, doesn’t she?.”

It was the night of the Iowa caucus and the morning of the day after. Bernie was giving Hillary a run for her money over there and it was also a day for polling over here.¬† I was more familiar with the names and promises of the candidates in the other country’s elections than those of my own locality’s. For that reason, I felt justified enough to not exercise my right to vote.

A decision that incidentally is much frowned upon these days. By afternoon, I put the spin on it and was going around saying, more to myself than (to?) anyone else, that my not voting was a form of protest. It was a protest against the lack of power of the municipalities, it was a protest for meaningful decentralization of power. It’s not apathy, it’s concern. It’s not irresponsibility, it’s sending a message. (When teens exhibit reckless behavior in movies, doesn’t the movie psychiatrist always interpret it as teens sending a message?) The low voter turnout was going to be a message, not that we didn’t care about democracy but that the elections you are holding are a sham. I almost wrote a letter to the newspaper editor, to help them see the real reason behind the low turnout.


There must be something you want to do, something you love, something you’ve imagined yourself doing, something you’ve dreamt of. Don’t judge its viability and measure its possibility. Don’t dismiss it as a castle in the sky. Tell me, tell me your innermost desire. Let go of the fear of being judged, don’t be so afraid of being vulnerable. I’m not here to judge, I’m only here to help you. I’ve heard you say you are not interested in any of the conventional paths. I’m assuming you think they’re small time ambitions. That’s fine, having big dreams is good. I’ve always believed that if your dreams don’t scare you, then you’re not aiming high enough. So tell me, tell me about your aim.

My aim, as you put it professor, is to make people feel so insecure in my presence that they start reeling off their achievements for no rhyme or reason. I want them fabricating  experiences. I want them stretching the truth. I want them shining turds. I want them yearning for my praise and I want them seeking my validation. I want it so everyone wants to impress me.

Are you saying you wish to be an MBA school?

Hush professor, you’ve said your piece. Now let me say mine. I want people to wonder why they were being so obsequious to me once I’ve moved on, I want them to not understand their overpowering need to impress me. I want them feeling like I’m their all-powerful boss, even though I’m not. The feeling I want to invoke is purer, something straight from Colombia.

But why?!

Because that’s power! Some people gain access to it on the back of their Benjamins and some get it through their vocation but I want it just for being.

Wait, are you saying you don’t want to earn power but BE power? Does that even make sense?

I’ve already warned you once, professor. Do not interrupt me while I’m speaking. Stop being so much in love with your own voice. I can see you were very shy and quiet as a kid but now’s not the time or the place to play catch up. I beseech you, for your own safety. Keep your trap shut. Now give me a nod so that I may continue.

The professor nods.

We leave the room.


Let me tell you the story of how a woman with a great ass made two guys act social towards each other. Well, there’s nothing more to say actually- that’s pretty much it.

The passing game

Would you like to go sailing?
I don’t know, I can’t swim.
You’ll be fine, I’ll get you a life jacket.

Would you like to go for a drive?
I don’t know, I can’t drive.
What do you mean you can’t drive? Everyone I know is either over 18 and driving legally or under 18 and driving illegally.

Would you like to dance?
I don’t know. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t dance to THIS music.
Ok, what kind of music do you dance to? We can put that on.
The kind no one else dances to? Please don’t ruin the evening for others on my account. Look at them. They definitely like this music. Don’t change it… on my account. I’m fine just standing by myself.

In fact, acting lonely and bored is my favorite trick to pull at social gatherings. You wouldn’t believe the amount of pleasure I derive from being a sore thumb.

There are two kinds of socializing; one that leaves you drained and one that leaves you energized. I’m sad to say but this is of the former variety. I can’t wait to go back home and regret coming here.

You look awfully lonely. Would you like something to drink? Name your poison.
I shouldn’t, really. I am just out of rehab.

It’s too bright in here, if only it were darker. The number of people isn’t right. It seldom is. There are always either too many or too few. In this case, there are too few. There aren’t enough attractive people.

There are too many attractive people. Attractive people make me self-conscious.

I am too tall, I can’t get lost in the crowd like everyone else. What others see as a blessing, I see as a curse. That’s my superpower. Natural talent is nothing but an albatross around the neck.

I don’t like being the center of attention. I don’t know how the actors do it. I’m thinking I should join an acting class. I could be the next De Niro and shit, you never know.

Would you like a drink?
I shouldn’t, I’m expecting.
Haha, very funny.

Hey Tommy, come over here. We’ve got a funny one.
(Tommy comes over) Go on then, tell us a joke.
My name Jeff.

Tommy: Give us another one.
I try to post on Facebook at least once every two weeks because if I don’t the rights revert back to Marvel.

(Would you like to live?
I don’t know. I’m not immortal.)


Learning French via Kendrick

Martin avait un reve
Martin avait un reve
Kendrick avoir un reve

Toute ma vie je veux de l’argent et le pouvoir
respecter mon esprit ou mourir de la douche de plomb
Je prie ma verge obtenir grand que la tour Eiffel
donc je peux foutre du monde pendant soixante-dix deux heures

Putain je me sens incroyable, putain je suis dans la matrice
mon esprit vit sur un nuage neuf et ce neuf est jamais en vacances
Demarre ce Maserati et vroom vroom, Je cours
de prendre des pilules dans le hall et je prie qu’ils ne trouvent pas nue
et je vous prie de negros hait, tireurs aller apres Judas
Jesus Christ si je vis ma vie sur mes genoux, ne sont pas pas besoin de faire cela
gggarer en face de Leuders, a cote de cette Church’s Chicken
tous les laches est perdants, tous mes negros sont gagnants, hurlant

Toute ma vie je veux de l’argent et le pouvoir
respecter mon esprit ou mourir de la douche de plomb
Je prie ma d*** obtenir grand que la tour Eiffel
donc je peux foutre du monde pendant soixante-dix deux heures

This is just the first verse from Kendrick’s ‘Backseat Freestyle’ which you can listen to here, and find the English lyrics here.

(Before you get any ideas and form any opinions, let me say I relied on google translate. My French is barely beginner. Salut, au revoir, bonjour, around that level.)


Continued coverage from Syria

Assad doesn’t pose a threat to the wider world. Assad is open to political dialogue. ISIS’s stated goal is to bring about an apocalypse, naturally there’s no negotiating with them. They can only be defeated on the battlefield. Assad, on the other hand, has time and again indicated his willingness to sit down for talks. Assad has as little interest in seeing the world burn as you and I. The members of ISIS would kill their own mothers if they thought that would bring about the end of the world.

Given this background, you’d think the self-proclaimed leaders of the human civilization would do the rational thing and have their priorities straight vis a vis Assad and ISIS. But boy, ain’t that naive!

They don’t want to talk with Assad, they just want him gone. They say this is because of the crimes he’s committed against his own countrymen but even the slightest bit of reading reveals how they’re usually perfectly fine in having as allies and even exporting weapons to countries brutally suppressing their own civilians. So that moral indignation they’re putting on?, it’s just a big pile of elephant shit. And only a noob who doesn’t know his history will fall for that. Tough luck, self-proclaimed leaders of the free world- some of us can see that the emperor has no clothes.

Only reason they won’t talk with Assad is that he isn’t *their bastard*. Only if Assad was Erdogan and the people he was suppressing were Kurds, or he was Saddam and the people he was suppressing were Shias. Then they wouldn’t have had a problem, they would’ve invited him for lavish state dinners.

In the immediate aftermath of the Paris attacks, it looked like the greatest nation on Earth and its allies would finally get their priorities straight. They made noises suggesting they were open to cooperating with Russia and that even before Assad, ISIS had to go. But surprise surprise, only a few days on they were like “Cooperate with Russia? Only over our ISIS bullets- riddled bodies!”

With the shooting down of the Russian jet, Turkey has gone beyond mere non-cooperation- it is now actively thwarting Russia from operating in Syria. Turkey, the country which kept its border with Syria open so that jihadists from all over the world could enter Syria with minimum hassle.  Turkey, the country which sat back and looked on with glee as ISIS pummeled Kurdish cities. Turkey, the country whose President vilified and started a full-blown civil war with its minorities to win parliamentary majority. Turkey, a proud member and indispensable part of NATO, one for which the US is contractually obliged to go into war.

Turkey: Syria :: Pakistan: Afghanistan.

As for the Turkish argument that Russia was bombing its allies in Syria instead of ISIS, why the fuck does the Free Syrian Army still exist? Why are Assad’s military and these Syrian rebels in a war with each other while ISIS is running around establishing caliphates? Why do the western nations continue to arm these disorganized and poorly trained rebels in the hope of overthrowing Assad knowing there’s a high chance of most of these weapons eventually falling into the arms of ISIS? Why are they so obsessed with Assad?

Assad going will be a big blow to the likes of Iran, and Hezbollah, and Russia. And that will make the likes of Saudi Arabia and Israel and hawks from the cold war era very happy indeed but shouldn’t terrorism trump geopolitical considerations at least for a little while? Apparently not. The hegemon knows the best after all. They want their geopolitical gains goddammit, the Syrian people can go to hell and ISIS? ISIS can be dealt with later on as well, chances to overthrow the Assad regime and break the Shia coalition’s back don’t come around too often. Or so goes the memo in the Pentagon.

We need to talk about the sectarian rift

Stop simply calling them bombings of Beirut and Baghdad. Be a bit more specific. Call them for what they are. Call them concerted sectarian killings of Shias. At a time when Shias are being persecuted as vehemently as Jews were in another, it becomes our duty to acknowledge the fact, to throw a semblance of a spotlight upon it. It’s the least we can do.

Those Muslim clerics calling for peace would do more good and be more useful if they were to just declare and accept Shias as Muslims. This Saudi-Iran Sunni-Shia conflict is even more embedded than the Israel-Palestine conflict, how else would you explain Saudi and Israel ganging up on Iran?

The Sunni-Shia conflict, like any battle between ideologies, is a major detriment to world peace. Would the situation in Syria have deteriorated as much had Iran and Saudi not had their own agendas? Assad and his Russian backers were willing to strike a deal early on but the Americans and Saudis were unwilling to strike up any deal with Assad, simply because he was an Alawite and close to Iran and Russia. These crusaders for freedom and democracy didn’t give a damn about the Syrian people, they just wanted the “Shia axis” broken. So, from that moment on the West and the Gulf monarchies with a little bit of help from Turkey got busy funneling weapons and resources to whoever willing to fight Assad. Many of these weapons unsurprisingly ended up in the hands of ISIS because that’s what happens when you arm militias. Now, France too was part of the Western coalition that backed Assad’s opponents, and thereby to a certain degree responsible for the clusterfuck in Syria. And when the refugees borne out of this ill-advised interruption and escalation turned up at the European borders, those in the know termed it a case of the chicken coming home to roost. The refugees were what the Europeans reaped for the crisis they deepened. Maybe if America was reachable by boats, the Yankees would be a little less arrogant about stirring up shit?

What happened in Paris has nothing to do with refugees of course. They are both victims. Anyone saying otherwise has a political party that wins votes when people feel xenophobic. What happened in Paris is what’s been happening to Shias at the hands of intolerant Wahhabism. Wahhabism holds that anyone not a Wahhabi is an infidel and deserves to die. The Saudis love to spread this message and fund madrassas around the world for this purpose. Teaching hatred it seems is a basic tenet of Wahhabism. I am not saying that all madrassas are bad, I am just saying that every madrassa connected with Wahhabism is bad.

In a world straining under the violence caused by extremist Sunni groups, it is the Shias who act like canaries in a coal mine. A world where Shias are safe is a world where all of us are safe.

Going back to Paris, it’s natural that some of us feel a tighter bond with Paris than with Beirut or Baghdad or any other city, for that matter. Paris after all is a modern day civilizational beacon. A city so iconic, not even the Nazis could bring themselves to bomb it. They had no trouble bombing London.

People who look at Paris just as a western city where white people reside are betraying their cultural ignorance. They don’t know what it is to be human. Paris is the best of us. Paris should always be the last city standing. Protect Paris. Be outraged for Paris. Hurl yourself in harm’s way for Paris!

This has been a fifth grade production.

The Initiation

Long time readers may find it hard to believe but recently, I’ve started to drink. Beer, whiskey, vodka, rum, moonshine, whatever, there isn’t a drink that hasn’t been in my piss stream. I haven’t told my parents yet so shh. The rationale for keeping it from them being a) I don’t enjoy drinking. I am as indifferent towards drinking now as I was before I started drinking, and b) I don’t get drunk. I remain sober no matter how much I’ve had to drink. No point in letting my parents make me feel guilty for something I don’t enjoy! The Nazi officials should have used the same defense at the Nuremberg trials. “We didn’t enjoy torturing them, your honor. We are therefore not guilty. Please set us free. We have much to contribute to the new world order.”

The thing about drinking is that it puts you amidst drunks. The thing about being amidst drunks is that they’re brimming with Dutch courage and are ready to pester the opposite sex. The thing about being amidst drunks brimming with cheap booze and fake courage and ready to pester the opposite sex is that it gives you the opportunity to play the knight in the shining armor. You get to be Shrek, the drunk gets to be the dragon, the woman upon whom unwanted attention is being bestowed gets to be Princess Fiona, and Eddie Murphy gets to be the donkey. The thing about rescuing possibly slightly inebriated damsels from booze-sponsored dragons is that it gets you fast-tracked into their good books- and if lucky, into their other good things. (Wink)

The other night while I was trying to leverage a stranger into my wingman, things took a turn to the violent as they are wont to do under such circumstances. The dude wasn’t pleased that I was preventing him from hitting on this woman. He started to punch and kick out at me. His words were no less violent. I tried to laugh him off but he put me in a chokehold. I didn’t have the power to break free. The dude was enjoying the dominance, the primordial exhibition of manliness. I was deprived of options. I reached for the only one I had, his balls. No one could believe what I’d done. India, after all, is still quite homophobic and Indians shy away from touching another dude’s balls even if it’s a life or death situation. But not me, I don’t feel restricted by such mores. I take advantage of them rather.

And in this instance, the dude was predictably gobsmacked. He instinctively let go and put his hands up in the air- as if I had a gun against the back of his head, as if he was at a music concert and the DJ had ordered him to do so. I didn’t reciprocate by letting go off his balls though, I ain’t no damn monkey. I adjusted my grip and made him wince some more. I asked if I reminded him of his dad. The color slowly began to return to his face, rage was taking over from shock. I goaded him on some more, he reached out for a glass and smashed it against my face.

The referee called for the bell. The dude was disqualified and I got to keep my world heavyweight championship.

smiling brad


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