Fantastic Mr. Stokes

 

Hear that on repeat at least three times before you proceed any further. It’s of utmost importance. The importance of you doing that can’t be overstated. The mission if you choose to accept is to follow everything I say.

Last Saturday evening, lord lord lord
Last Saturday evening, lord lord lord

I went to the stadium, lord lord lord
I went to the stadium, lord lord lord

And I took along my placard, lord lord lord
I took along my placard, lord lord lord

Along came Jesus, lord lord lord
Along came Jesus, lord lord lord

So I picked up my placard, lord lord lord
And he hit one over, lord lord lord

He was bowled soon after, lord lord lord
But he had done enough, lord lord lord

He came on to bowl, lord lord lord
And he took a wicket first up, lord lord lord

He took another wicket, lord lord lord
And he took another wicket, lord lord lord

The main batsmen were all gone, lord lord lord
And he took some more catches, lord lord lord

I went home happy, lord lord lord
I went home happy, lord lord lord

That’s the story of big Ben Stokes, lord lord lord
That’s the story of big Ben Stokes, lord loooord looooorrrrd.

Vivo IPL 2017 M44 - SRH v RPS

Now stare at the photo while listening to this song.

 

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Dodge This

Nat King Cole:

Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that’s how you’ll stay
That’s why, darling, it’s incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

KISS:

I was made for loving you baby
You were made for loving me
And I can’t get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me

arctic monkey *in an extremely timid voice*:

hi


 

Michelle Williams in Manchester by the Sea:

My heart was broken…

arctic monkey *doing an uncanny impression of Michelle Williams*:

My heart was broken.


 

Can I have some morphine?

No.

But doc! you don’t understand. The pain, it’s off the charts.

I haven’t even started.

That’s beside the point. Empathy doc, you can’t be a good doc without it.

How many days did it take for you to get this appointment again?

I know it’s terribly impractical but can I at least listen to the soundtrack of La La Land while you drill around inside my mouth? Will you be able to work around the earphones?

If I let you, will you able to stay still and not do things like tap your feet to the music?

Have a heart, doc. That’s just not possible.

Then I’m sorry, son. You’re going to have to take it like a man.

Please tell Ryan Gosling I loved him.


 

The day after:

What’s that black thing around your teeth?

Oh that, a cowboy lassoed my molars. He asked if there were any parts of me that needed to be tamed and I replied my molars. He said he wasn’t a dentist and I said let’s just pretend it’s the wild west and call it frontier treatment, if you will.


 

Describing internet to people who have no idea what it is.

Imagine you are carrying a bowl of piping hot soup. You intend to carry it your sick* mother’s bed-side. At that moment, there’s a knock on the door. You drop the bowl of piping hot soup you’re holding, forget all about the sick mother, and go to the door. At the door is a salesman, he’s selling religion. You lock the door behind you and head out to church. On the way over, you see a jet streak by in the sky. You unfurl your wings and fly after the jet. The jet is too fast for you, you give up and land in an empty field. You’re now lost. Back home, your mother doesn’t know what’s taking you so long.

*Sick as in nothing serious, mind you. Just a bout of the seasonal flu.


 

I was feeling all sad and lonely standing outside a movie theater with tickets in hand waiting for a friend to arrive. “What is it that takes them so long? Why can’t they be on time? If I can be on time, why can’t they?” Then I remembered Ryan Gosling being in the exact same scenario at a Rebel Without a Cause screening, and I didn’t feel so bad anymore.


 

I noticed a Camille Rowe poster at the front of a shop and I hung out with the poster until the friend arrived. I said things to the poster I wouldn’t be comfortable writing about in my diary. “Forgive me Camille Rowe, for I have sinned.” “Same time, next week?”


 

When I went back the next week, and the friend was customarily late again, I walked towards the shop but the poster was nowhere to be seen. I ran into the shop and demanded the store manager be brought to me. I said I needed him alive. The store manager, oddly completely at ease with my frenzied being, let me know the poster had opened up its own therapy practice. I said how could that be? You need certification for that! The manager shrugged his shoulders and showed me towards the exit. I caught up with the friend who had by now arrived and we went to watch a movie called Boss Baby. I was so heartbroken over Camille I could barely concentrate on the movie. *Imitating Michelle Williams* “My heart was broken.” I made a mental note to watch the movie again when I’m in a more stable state of mind.


 

“It’s alright to be nice to people, to deceive them into thinking you’re a pleasant person.” Me to myself. “Stop being so harsh on yourself, stop being honest.”

1730 A tall woman fetchingly dressed in black is making her evening rounds. I am up here looking down at her and she’s down there walking her evening walk completely oblivious to my prying eyes. Know what would be the biggest joke? If I said I thought about going down and introducing myself to her.

2330 A girl whom I barely know called me “dear” and I got excited enough to take a screenshot.

0915 I’m sitting on the loo cleaning up my photo gallery. I can justify pics of models saying I’m a fan but these screenshots have got to go. There’s simply no explaining them. Gotta delete them all!


 

If a woman can’t pull off short hair, she isn’t pretty. Discuss. (10 marks)

 

 

Best Trailers of 2016; and by best, I mean favorite?

Have the trailers blurred into each other? Are you now tired of trailers? That’s funny, a best of list should make you want to see more.The list is a bloody failure. I’m sorry to have wasted your time. Please subscribe for more.

That Matt Damon trailer is here for only one reason: Matt Damon shooting off three arrows.

A Day in the Life of

Last night I took a break from watching La La Land and headed to Hacksaw Ridge instead. The turnout was spectacular. It was a full house on a weekday. That got us thinking. Friend wondered if it could have anything to do with faith. I liked that thought. I liked it so much I pursued it further. Could it be that they were running commercials for the movie exclusively and extensively on the Christian channels? I hadn’t come across much of a publicity push anywhere else that would explain the turnout. Could it be that a local celebrity preacher name-dropped the movie in one of his sermons? Or could it be that he handed out the tickets himself? Teach a man to fish and he won’t starve for the rest of his life. Direct your congregation to a Mel Gibson film and you don’t need to worry about your sheep going astray.

The movie itself was a mixed bag. The war scenes had me turning towards my friend at least twice with a “did you see that?” expression on my face. A Star Wars or a Marvel movie couldn’t make me do that. Shame on those for disneyfying violence. When you disneyfy violence, you sanitize and degrade it. There’s a way and a need to degrade violence, but that’s by exposing its brutality- not by making the victims faceless and the fights bloodless. Just because you make a lot of money doesn’t mean you’re right, Disney.

From one empire to another. We need to talk about the similarities between the assassination of the Russian ambassador in Turkey and Pizzagate. Democrats like to make fun of Trump’s supporters for their gullibility and existence in a post-truth society. The way Democrats look at the Republicans must be the way Chomsky looks at them all. Chomsky views the stories published by NY times the way Hillary supporters look at the fake news stories planted by the alt-right on facebook. The more enlightened you are, the more is your ability to spot fake news apparently. Unfortunately, not many people have the free time or the inclination to reach a level of enlightenment where they begin to question the stories put out by outlets like NY Times. One such person with no time or inclination was the assassin of the Russian ambassador. Poor guy believed all the blame for the devastation in Aleppo could be laid squarely at the door of Russia. Did he know that Assad had offered a way to end the conflict even before it had become all encompassing? Did he know that US and its middle east allies wouldn’t come to the table unless Assad stepped down? Does he know how the American, or for that matter any other country’s, scales tip when the time comes to choose between geopolitical equations and saving human lives? Got to appreciate the cold hearted ruthlessness of the empires, even if they go around in cloaks boasting the values of freedom and democracy and human rights. If you only knew the number of autocratic regimes the US has propped up over the years. We need to support this murderous dictator because we need him in our fight against communism, we need him in our fight against terrorism, we need to depose this leader because he poses a threat to his own people… The problem with badmouthing and calling out the hypocrisy of the empire is people react to it in only one of two ways, and both of them amount to dismissal. Either they go:  We know all of this, tell us something we don’t know; or Okay (I don’t see how any of this concerns me).

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At this point, I could go on and end up like that Charlie Day meme or rehabilitate my image by talking about Blade Runner and Ryan Gosling. The prospect of Roger Deakins and Dennis Villeneuve getting back together to frame Ryan Gosling should be enough to make you forget the crushing despair of having to spend your whole life being manipulated and misinformed- and thank Jesus Christ, it is. What is real and what is reel, when the real is a construct of lies and the reel at least tries its utmost to stay true to itself?

Ego kills; A cautionary tale

That’s “kills”, not Kallis. An understandable mistake when you come to read my blog. Oh, just the greatest all-rounder of all time. For a die-hard South African tragic, I didn’t exactly take to him until he was at the end of his career. It’s like what they say, you don’t really know what you have until you no longer have it. I keep complaining about my “lifeless” hair but we all know I’ll be on my knees begging for its forgiveness within the next decade or two. I’m pushing my luck when I say two decades but hope for the best, eh?

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People acting all concerned about me, let me tell you something. I don’t need your concern, I didn’t ask for it. It doesn’t even fit me. You should have asked me for my size before you bought it. Now what are you going to do with it? I know for a fact that store has a strict 24 hr return policy and the clock says it’s well beyond that. We’re going to have Superman turn the Earth back on its axis like he does in that movie to save his girlfriend, for you to be able to return this item of purchase. We’re going to need a bigger boat. We’re going to need a miracle. Mamma Mia!

First you doubted me, then you inspired me. You said you were concerned about me not knowing how to swim and that you were worried it was going to be too late pretty soon for me to be able to do something about it. You said there’s no shame in starting small. You suggested I get a couple of those floaters that kids use and learn to swim in the shallow end of a community swimming pool. Well, let me tell you something. I’ve seen a lot of people swim, I mean a LOT and I know everything about it. I’ve read every book ever written about swimming. When you see me swim, you’re not going to believe people can swim like that. I’m telling you, I’m built for it. I’m a natural. You don’t need to teach a baby turtle how to swim, or act all concerned if it’s going to make it. It’s a fucking turtle, of course it’s going to make it. I am likewise, I’m a born swimmer. I am going to swim much better than David Schwimmer. Teachers have long been praising my attributes. I have limbs as big as flippers, they kept remarking through out my childhood. That’s a trait I share with Michael Phelps no less. You’d know that if you took a break from worrying about others and read a book every once in a while. Do you even read, bro?

I’m a big league player, a king size bed, a trenta sized cup, they don’t come bigger than me. You might be thinking if I’m all that, then why haven’t I ever stepped into a pool? Well, let me tell you. It was only because I couldn’t decide which stroke to use. You know how it is. Once you choose a stroke, you gotta stick to it. You just can’t jump from one stroke to another. It’s a lot of pressure. What if I choose the wrong one? I’ll never be able to play that down .

Be that as it may, it’s time to go boom. I’m going to listen to my homie Marcus Aurelius. “Life is about action, not contemplation.” This is the moment of truth brought to you by Mountain Dew, kyunki darr ke aage jeet hain. This is when Mr. Anderson turns into Neo. This is when Carrie Ann Moss’ beautiful jaw hits the floor. This is when I’m going to jump from a motherfucking helicopter into the motherfucking ocean. Screw your pools and lakes, your ponds and streams, your rivers and reservoirs. If I’m going to get my beak wet, it’s gotta be the motherfucking ocean. Valhalla!

——————————–

Some of his friends truly did believe he was going to survive the jump, and wriggle back to life to the tune of Moby’s Extreme Ways. Yeah, that didn’t happen. In his mind’s eye, he was going to swoop like an eagle and glide like a shark- but this is life, there are no shortcuts here. We ran out of them way back when. Nowadays, it’s like Jake Gyllenhaal says, “If you want to win the lottery, you got to make the money to buy the ticket.” Peace.